I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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