so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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