I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
