the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
