A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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