I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
