I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize