I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
