I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
