Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
