Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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