I love black thongs
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
