I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
