New invention idea: vibrating tampons
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
He shit in the fireplace
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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