Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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