I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Girls should come with a carfax report
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
