What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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