Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
okay pat passed out under dana's car
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
