is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
