Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You ate ashes out of my bong
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
