The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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