So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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