He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
