Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
