Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
