I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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