She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
