so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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