My liver just broke up with me...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
