3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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