Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I still have a little drunk in my system
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
