I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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