I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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