I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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