Moan for me like Helen Keller
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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