please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
im on a boat
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