im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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