3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize