I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
