im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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