Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
