so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
