Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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