And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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