It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
