so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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