she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
