I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
