life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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