She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I FOUND THE LEGS
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
