South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Everyone says I win the strip club
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
