his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
