Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
