i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
