He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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