who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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